Hey Evid3nc3. Love the series so far. I’m now looking at the Losing God chapter in which you spoke about doing random things like putting you backpack on a specific part of the bench…
What was that about? I don’t get it.
Think back to 2.5 (part 1) [Personal Relationship]. I felt like I was directed by God. I felt like God specifically guided me to take certain actions.
Meaning: whenever I had an inclination to, for example, read a specific chapter of the Bible or work on a specific homework assignment, I interpreted it as God’s guidance. And I followed these inclinations solemnly and resolutely as if I were being pushed by an omniscient being.
When I started to finalize my deconversion, this pattern of cognition (which had apparently been myself, unconsciously) started to malfunction. It pushed me to do bizarre and random things, like placing my backpack on a specific part of the bench I was sitting at. Then a new part of the bench. Then another, in rapid succession.
The fact that the “guidance” emotions were associated with these inclinations was evidence to me that they were just my own mind, all along. Yet, I still had them and impulsively wanted to follow them. Thus a feeling of going crazy, experiencing a kind of living hell.